A Party Fit for America

Would you really be making the most of your holiday if you didn’t throw a kickass party, full of boozie treats and fire hazards?

Before we get into how to throw a phenomenal 4th of July party (since you have a day to plan), we want to remind you that our furry friends are not fans of exploding things and loud noises. Keep your pets in the house with some soothing country music playing while you enjoy the festivities outdoors.

We know your attention span is short, so we have organized the party into categories:

Drinks (obviously this is first – we know our audience):

  • You will have a terrible sugar headache, BUT spiked bomb pop cocktails are the best.
  • Whiteclaw. Obviously. (They have 70-calorie cans now?! But they’re only 3.7% alcohol, sooo maybe stick with the original 100-calorie, 5%)
  • It’s actually possible to drink endlessly and stay hydrated at the same time. Spiked water is the answer (but they catch up on you quickly, so be careful).
  • ICE. Buy out the whole cooler at Meijer. When someone says, “But I need a bag for my cooler,” remind them that you will be drinking lots of iced red wine on the 4th. We promise that the questions will stop after that.

Food (we guess you have to eat):

  • Channel your inner Martha Stewart and make good use of red and blue fruit by putting it on top of a cake in the shape of the USA flag. #Merica #Carbs
  • If you’re an advanced baker, the 4th of July is a perfect excuse to break out those skills. Try making some festive macarons to delight and impress your guests. Also, tag us so we know who to invite to our next party.
  • Fill up your dog’s kong with a treat to distract them (or your drunk cousin) during the loud fireworks.
  • WATERMELON. BUY OUT THE WHOLE SECTION AT MEIJER. EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO NO ONE.

Decorations (for all the basic betches out there):

  • Buy a plastic kiddie pool. Fill it with booze. Thank us later. Better yet, buy 2: one for your booze and one for you to sit in because it’s too hot.
  • Is Target basic enough for ya?
  • We don’t care if you don’t have a pool, get this anyway.

Entertainment (if the drinking doesn’t work, try this):

  • Kan Jam is a must! Everyone loves outdoor games, and this one will either make or break friendships.
  • Need a flick? Might we suggest…Independence Day. Everyone cries at the Bill Pullman speech. It would be unpatriotic if you didn’t. A true classic.
  • Oh the 4th, who doesn’t need a fun, easy, stupid game? Set aside some jumbo marshmallows, golf clubs and your dignity. Then…dip some marshmallows in water dyed with food coloring – red and blue. Once they dry, place one on a tee, and see who can smack it the farthest.
  • Make a playlist ahead of time, so you can focus on the more important matters at hand (cocktails) during the day.
  • If you don’t have sparklers while you wait for the fireworks to start, are you even American?

Now, doesn’t all of this sound so very American? Stay safe, kids, and happy 4th from all of us at 8THIRTYFOUR.

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